


you're not dead, you're sleeping

by spangel



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M, POV Second Person, prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 02:23:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4330191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spangel/pseuds/spangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you thought of him and you wanted him <i> gone </i> but now he is <i>gone </i> and you take it back you take it all back you take everything back you sit down on your knees and clasp your hands together <i>please let me take his place please let me suffer instead of him please please <b> please</b> </i></p>
<p>(Angel finds out about Spike's death.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're not dead, you're sleeping

he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone

 

he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone

 

_spike is dead._

she tells you that he died a hero she tells you that he is _heroic_ and a _champion_ and he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone and she asks you if you’re okay and you tell her _yeah i have to go_ but it comes out in a cough, comes out like a death-rattle ( _death_ ) (he can’t be gone), comes out _barely_ , comes out between your teeth without your lips ever parting.

 

you grip the phone tightly, until your fingers are whitepurplepink, and you can’t get it out of your head spike is _dead_ , dead like the earth, dead inside _of_ the earth, dead dead dead. dead, not here anymore, not here to annoy you or make fun of you **really** dead **really** gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone he can’t be gone dead like _bone_ , dead like a heart **b** e **a** t **i** n **g** , dead **dead** dead **dead** dead **dead** dead **dead**.

 

people like spike do not go to heaven people like spike get _pull_ ed down into hell _pull_ ed apart,

s

 

t

 

i

 

t

 

c

 

h

 

e

 

d back up and _pull_ ed apart again, you know what happens and he is gone **gone** gone **gone**

 

when you were in hell you thought of him and you thought of buffy and you thought of him

  
b u r n i n g you thought of him and you wanted him _gone_ but now he is _gone_ and you take it back you take it all back you take everything back you sit down on your knees and clasp your hands together _please let me take his place please let me suffer instead of him please he deserves this but he doesn’t, he doesn’t, he doesn’t, let it be me let it be me i am the one i am the champion i am the one who should be suffering i am true i am pure i am i am. i. am. i. am. i. am. **please**_

 

b e g g i n g is useless b e g g i n g is not going to bring spike back b e g g i n g will only:

 

prolong your suffering. b e g g i n g will cut you open and you will let it happen because it can't kill you, but if you died you'd be with spike so it can kill you it can kill you it can kill you b e g g i n g b e g g i n g b e g g i n g maybe if you found him and  **burned** along with him he'd hate you less maybe if you **burned** with him he would feel complete maybe he wouldn't be alone he's alone he's alone in hell he's alone and he is  **burn** ing and he is

 

not coming back.

 

he's not coming back and this is what you wanted you. should be.  _happy_ about this you should be jumping but you are on the floor praying to something bigger than you and he's not coming back. you. know. this but part of you still hopes that if He can hear you crying He will bring him back up or send someone to bring you

 

d

 

o

 

w

 

n to hell to burn with him. this. is.  _ridiculous._

 

he's not coming back not coming back  _not. coming. back._

 

 

* * *

 

you're sleeping and he visits you. he crawls into your bed and hugs you and tells you that he's okay and in a better place and he kisses you and he kisses you and he kisses you and it feels  _real_ for too long, it feels  _real_ until you wake up and you find everything empty, empty bed empty fingers empty soul - a soul that's missing half, a soul that has had half of it ri _pp_ ed out and cut up and b u r n e d - empty empty empty and you let yourself cry because no one can see you and you can't hold it back, you break down _  
_

down

d

  o

    w

       n

          , 

           and you punch the wall until your hands bleed, until the tears stop.

 

you have heard of spirits visiting people in dreams and you wonder for a second if it was  _real_ it's not real it's not real it's not real why would he tell  **you** that he's okay why would he  **care** why why why would he want to visit you he hates you he hates you and he's

 

dead.

 

you need to remember that.

 

* * *

 

 

the second time he visits you he's  **hold** _ing_ you and he's tracing **  
**

 

c i

     rc

        les   ci

       rc

  les

 

into your hipbones and he's counting silent  _1 2 3 4_ and he's telling you  _please don't leave me angel please don't leave me_

 

5    6

   7

8    9

 

_please stay with me,_ he says

                                              

                                                  he says,

                                                                  _please stay with me._

 

"i'm not going anywhere."

 

you leave him - as you wake up he starts fading in your mind, burning away

 

layer

       by

           layer of

skin. spike is gone

 

(he can't be gone he can't be gone he can't be gone he can't be gone)

 

and it's  _your fault,_ this time it's  _your fault_ you  _woke up_ and you left him he told you not to leave him and you left him you left him you left him you left him to

 

burn.

 

* * *

 

 

in your next dream he tells you that you are the  _one_ that you are the only

 

being that he has ever loved and it's not real you know it's not real because

 

spike is not a liar he's  _not_ this is a lie this is a lie

 

(right? right?)

 

you wake up.

 

you stop sleeping.

 

* * *

 

 

he can't be gone he can't be gone 

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

he can't be gone he can't be gone

 

he dies over and over in your mind he jumps off a building and falls on a piece of wood he walks right into a stake and smiles at you he tells you that he loves you and  _wa_ lks into sunlight and you pick up his ashes and sift them through your fingers and he shows up behind you and taps you on the shoulder and dies again dies again dies again

 

this is                   your fault.

 

he can't be gone and you hate him for leaving you you  _hate him_ you **_hate_** him and you watch his death like you witnessed it, you remind yourself that he's dead when you start to forget and everything reminds you of spike _  
_

 

the paintings on the walls

 

the demons that you kill

 

the hole in your bedroom wall from the punch

 

blood

          blood

                      blood

                                blood

                                          blood

 

you starve yourself you stop drinking because blood reminds you of him, reminds you that he's not coming back not  **ever** so: you starve yourself for him

 

this. is. not what he would have. wanted. he would have. wanted. you to be okay or at least that's what you tell yourself

 

but

 

he can't tell you that because he's gone gone  _gone_ so you can't be sure, you don't  _know_.

 

* * *

 

 

he always finds his way back to you he always finds his way back to annoy you to haunt you to make fun of you and when he comes out of the envelope you start  _growling_ and you are  _angry_ because he

 

left you.

 

he left you and he tore part of your soul away and dragged it

                                                                                              d

                                                                                                  o

                                                                                                     w

                                                                                                        n with him and you are furious, shaking, and you can't tell him that

you missed him you can't tell him that you almost  _died_ you can't tell him that you

 

b e g g e d to God because you know that he would: laugh at you.

 

so you: yell at him, tell him to get out, because he's back he's  _back_ he's b a c k and he hurt you, he made you. feel. _  
_

 

he always finds his way back to you and you should have expected this.

 

he always finds his way back to you and you hate him for it.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> "I see signs now all the time  
> that you're not dead  
> you're sleeping  
> I believe in anything  
> that brings you back  
> home to me" Signs / Bloc Party
> 
> I haven't seen chosen yet so idk if any of this is............ accurate...................................... oh Well
> 
> there's a serious lack of commas/periods in this because i wanted it to flow and jump to mimic angel's panicked thought process. i don't think it worked. lol.


End file.
